I would disable comments on this post but for some reason I’m thick this morning and can’t figure out how. Any comments I feel aren’t relevant or respectful will be terminated with extreme prejudice.
So I came across this on Twitter. But first, a quick caveat.
This is a rant. It is not a rant aimed at @GMRaphi in particular, even though I’m using his Tweet as a springboard for the rant. I’m taking issue with what he’s saying — and okay, with his generation (or what I assume to be his generation) — but not with who he is. Because a) that would be a dick move and b) I don’t know the man but he looks like a decent chap.
And an extra caveat a few days later. Yes, it’s all generalisations, that’s what a rant is. Do I think entirely in generalisations? Do I assume what I’m saying applies to each and every possible situation? Of course not. Do me the courtesy of understanding that and understanding that a rant is, by its very nature, a complaint against a general order of things. Yeesh.
I can't really see where the cell phone at gaming table hate is coming from. Some scenes are not for all the PCs. Or all the players.
— GM Raphi (@GMRaphi) September 5, 2016
I couldn’t find a way to respond in 140 characters so here we go.
I also know that responding in any way to what could just as easily have been a troll on some random forum is largely pointless. I don’t know the chap in question, he might just want to be provocative (because I’ve never done that, nope), and I just happened to come across some Twitter friends’ responses. If it’s a troll, responding is useless. If it’s a generation thing, responding is equally useless because we have the cellphone-grafted generation that prefers to read a thing on social media than to be at the thing and we have the pre-cellphone generation that still understands what it’s like to attend a thing and not just for the sake of filming it on your iPhone — and never the twain shall meet.
It’s ironic. Not so long ago, I was of the generation of young assholes that were destroying all that was good and kind about the world and the reason we couldn’t have nice things. Now I’m the one complaining about the young whippersnappers.
Except in this case, I’m right. If you’re going to attend a tabletop game (or a virtual tabletop game for that matter), ask if it’s ok to use your phone or tablet or whatever. Some GMs won’t have a problem with it. I sure as hell will. And if it’s not OK, then don’t pout, don’t sulk (no matter how good you millennials are at the whole passive aggressive thing), just fucking put your fucking phone away and BE AT THE THING like a normal human being. Show some interest in someone else other than as a link to your own coolness.
In short: don’t be a dick.
OK, so I’ll admit the new Demon Hunters do look pretty cool.
And as far as leaving a stylish corpse goes, I can guarantee you that I’m really good at leaving a corpse, at any rate. The pre-Legion demon invasions are in full swing and I’ve spent a (relatively) quiet afternoon going from one to another and getting some new gear.
And dying. Lots and lots of dying. The fact that I’m not really bonded with my character yet, that she’s melee, and that I’m throwing myself at the bad guys like the stubborn guy in that Kids in the Hall sketch might have something to do with it, not to mention the fact that some of those demons do a lot of damage.
If you want serious leveling coverage of this event, go read Stargrace’s blog. Me, I’m just a tourist.
Finally and utterly a propos nothing, I have almost 700 screenshots in my WoW screenshot folder. It takes forever to load. I should probably archive some of the older ones or something.
That’s it. Move along. Go! Shoo!
I originally posted this on Facebook and thought that was more than enough exposure, but I have a feeling that reaching out to others (and emulating the courage I see in folks who do it routinely) about this mental health thing might be helpful for me, in some weird ‘I don’t quite get it but it seems to have some Zen-like benefit in there somewhere’ kind of way.
And as someone who made it FORTY-SEVEN FUCKING YEARS without a diagnosis (OK, maybe 42, I remember being 7 and having issues with sounds and textures, lights and emotions), if posting this sparks any kind of recognition in even one other person, it’ll be worth it. Because as the smart young lady over at Eating Off Plastic says,
I’m almost certain nobody that has this condition actually enjoys it
Everyone has some kind of sensory sensitivity, or certainly everyone I’ve ever met. But please don’t confuse that with Sensory Processing Disorder (or Sensory Integration Disorder, which I somewhat prefer). Crank ALL your senses, including the emotional ones, up to 13, 24/7/365 (yes, even while asleep) x 4 decades and then let’s talk.
And I’m high-functioning. God only knows what it’s like to have this and not be. On the other hand, my very high-functioningnessabilityation is probably to blame for my rather elevated* levels of anxiety, but oh well. We’re dealing with that.
So here’s the text of the Facebook post, shared a bit more widely than the close family and friends I target over there. Now please excuse me while I go hide under a rock and pretend I didn’t do this.
Long post about my mental health incoming.
Today I had my last permitted consultation with the amazing and wonderful Cognitive Behavioral Health lady at the 377th Medical Group in ABQ. An hour later my referral to UNM Neuropsychology (which had been languishing on the desk of my newly-promoted-to-Captain Primary Care Manager [aka Doctor for Euros]) came through, so that will be the next step.
I am still rather uncomfortable discussing all this, even at the remove offered by Facebook, but wonderful CBH lady says it’s fine if I want to share and not unhealthy, so here we are, just to keep my friends and some family updated.
It seems my sensory integration issues may be at the root of pretty much everything that’s eating this Gilberta Grape, though it took 4 decades to get a diagnosis. Even the vertigo. Certainly the anxiety, and possibly the self-esteem issues (which are way worse than most people know because, as usual, ‘high-functioning’. Am starting to really hate that term).
And I may be further on the autism spectrum than I thought, given that I never expected to be on it at all, even on the cool, look-at-all-these-smart-people Asperger’s end of it. As a single example, turns out my issues with feelings (having them, expressing them, dealing with them, doing anything other than pretending they’re not there and can be intellectualised into something else) are not uncommon on that spectrum.
It’s all very, very weird. The diagnosis fits like a shoe you never realised you were wearing, or maybe like a shoe you’ve spent 40 years pretending you weren’t wearing. So it makes sense, but it’s weird. I’m not quite sure how to deal with it. I can’t just ignore it because it won’t go away and it’s affecting my life so negatively right now that I must choose to do something about it.
The next step (see how the shoe metaphor works for me here) is UNM’s neuropsychology department, assuming they accept my case, and Occupational Therapy for what I’ve got. Whatever that really is. It’s difficult to get information as someone diagnosed in adulthood because most of it is aimed at kids, but I’m digging out resources here and there.
And I’m not alone out there. Which is helpful, in a distant kind of way. Here’s one really fun blog that is more baldly honest about *ulp* feelings than I could be in a million years. [See Eating Off Plastic link above. Come on, scroll back. You can do it.]
* I originally wrote ‘insane levels’ but then I figured that wasn’t terribly sensitive. Because I care about that – actually no, I don’t, but I do care about not calling myself crazy. BTDT, it’s not healthy.
I just told the weekly gaming group I joined less than a year ago that I won’t be able to take part for a while, and I’m pretty conflicted about it.
On the one hand I have a very, very hard time being around people these days, and the weekly ‘be with people’ commitment has been gnawing away at my peace and making me really anxious for, oh, months now. On the other hand, I don’t get out much as it is so those tabletop sessions were probably as good for my sanity as they were bad for my anxiety.
In brief, I’ve been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, which sounds like a complete bullshit thing but which totally fits basically all the symptoms and issues I’ve had for most of my life. So sensory input overwhelms me, and that extends to people and — these days — pretty much any situation where I have to be outside my comfort zone, which is currently limited to the bounds of my house (and the local diner. Thank God for the local diner and our weekly breakfast out). Why it’s become so much worse in the last year is a mystery (though trying* to solve my anxiety with SSRIs might have something to do with), but to be honest I don’t particularly care why — I just want to cope. And I’m not, or not very well, at the moment. I’ve also been diagnosed with borderline Asperger’s but I haven’t even looked at that yet. I’m not sure what to make of it (that can’t be me!) and I’ve got enough to deal with on the SPD front.
I’m waiting on a neuropsychology referral and in the meantime my mental health specialist has (literally and loudly) given me permission to do whatever feels best in terms of being with/around people or not, mostly because I keep telling myself that to be ‘normal’ I should do what other ‘normal’ people do, which includes being around other people even when it’s the last thing I want.
It’s been hard enough maintaining the twice-monthly virtual gaming group, where we get together via the magic of the intertubes and don’t have to actually be in the same room, but the whole for realz tabletop gaming just isn’t possible for me at the moment. And, given how much fun I’ve had with it over the years, that makes me sad. Bah. “Sad” is an understatement for someone who has defined herself as a roleplayer and a gamer for the best part of 30 years.
It’s lovely to be able to game ‘remotely’ with other people and it works much better than I ever expected it to, but there’s a certain je ne sais quoi to being around a table with real drinks, real food, real dice… and people. I just can’t take that much ‘people’ right now. Even when the people in question are super fun and have been super welcoming, people who were strangers a year ago but are now friends and could someday be good friends. If only I could stand being in the same room with them.
I’m posting this mainly to clear my head. It’s done, I’ve pulled out of the group for the time being, and while the decision makes me sad I also know it was the right one, at least for now.
I’m also posting this as a coward’s way to let my lifelong, decade-long and more recent friends (many of whom are gaming friends) know what’s been up with me this last year, why I’ve kept everyone at arm’s length (ok, for more than this last year) and why I’ve been even weirder than usual.
As for the SPD thing, I have no details to offer. I’ve done a bit of my own research but it’s primarily diagnosed in children and there’s very little documentation for adults. Apparently I’m very high-functioning, or was, which I guess is why it went unseen for so long.** I’m also extremely good at hiding anything that’s wrong with me, which in this case probably wasn’t as good a survival mechanism as I thought. We’ll see what the neuropsychology people say when I finally get my referral.
* Unsuccessfully and with a number of unpleasant side-effects, one of which might be the increased severity of my issues.
** And ironically my family was always extremely tolerant of my ‘quirks’, which included extreme introversion and a liking for much quieter, calmer surroundings than most other kids. I was always lauded for how well I played by myself and how I read grown-up books even before my teens. My grandad was the same and everyone just pointed out how similar we were, and that was basically it.
Almost exactly a year ago I was terrifically underwhelmed by the whole Demon Hunter and Legion thing. Mostly because I was taking part in Blaugust and needed something to write about, but partly because it does seem as though we’re rehashing some material these last couple of Warcraft expansions. I say potato, you say deepening the fantastic amounts of (utterly incomprehensible to me) WoW lore.
So now here they are, the Demon Hunters, or will be when the servers come back up in a few hours, hot on the heels of the biggest class changes I remember ever seeing in World of Warcraft. Am I excited? I’m not sure.
Ever since I started playing tabletop RPGs my favourite classes have been the pet classes, either the ones with pets (rangers) or the ones who can be pets (druids), so it’s no surprise that my absolute fave classes in WoW are Hunter (since beta) and druid (I came late to that party but I love me some feralz). And hunter seems to have taken a bit of a beating on the pet side for the latest mega-patch.
All the classes have had their spells and skills reduced by what seems like 50%, and I’m actually OK with that after having played it a few days, because 3 full hotbars is just too much for an elderly brain to remember. (EQ2, are you listening?) I started a handful of newbie characters on Dalaran server just to see what it’s like from scratch, and while the plethora of skills has been rationalised a little, the feel for most of them is still the same. (Almost. What most of them feel like at the moment is “I’ve really only got 3 skills I keep mashing,” but I’m not sure that’s very different from “I’ve got 19 skills at level 10 but only 3 of them are worth mashing.”) The notable exception seems to be my Elemental shaman but don’t take my word on that — my ‘main’ shammy is only in her 60s and the new one is level 20, so I don’t speak from a position of great experience.
But back to the hunter, and specifically the Beast Master hunter. It feels very different now, it’s more like the (Summon-lots-of-temporary)Beast(s)-Master hunter and not the one-woman-and-her-dog/cat/bear/spider it used to be. I miss that. But perhaps I’m just resistant to change. Apparently the Marksmanship and Survival talent specs got huge boosts (which IMO they needed because they both bored the pants off me play-wise in the last few years), so good for them. I guess I can be a MM or Surv hunter for a few years, until the next expansion mega-patch changes everything again.
What does all this have to do with Demon Hunters, you ask? Nothing, really. I was going to write about them but I’ve done ZERO research on them and I’ve been far more interested in whether my favourite chars have been chopped off at the knees. But they’ll be in early access in a few hours so we’ll see then.
Will I make one? OF COURSE I’LL MAKE ONE. You clearly don’t know me at all.
I have been hit by work. It’s a lucrative condition but not one that’s conducive to blogging, as though I needed any excuses not to blog in the last few years.
Eh, it’s not just that. My mental health issues mean I have no desire to communicate with people and no faith that I’d have anything interesting to say even if I wanted to. (For those who have asked: I’m fine – really. It’s being handled. But ‘being handled’ still means I don’t want to interact with people at the moment and I’m giving myself permission to be that way.)
Whoops, almost forgot about this and now it’s almost too late. So, in 10 words or less:
I love the tactile feel of dice but software is easier.
(You can’t beat dice. Actually I have some dice from TishToshTesh that you could use to beat someone with, because they’re heavy Steampunk metal thingies that threaten to break my glass desk every time I use them. I love them.)
(But still. When you’re playing with an online group, as I do a lot these days, rolling dice on the desk in front of you when nobody else is in the same room doesn’t cut it. So yeah. Dem bones when I can, dem 1s and 0s when I must.)
Me, still partly in character, after last night’s Hollow Earth Expedition session run by The Black Campbell:
“Next time I take a photo of a charging allosaurus, I’ll be sure to take the flashbulb out!”
Life lessons come in the most unusual ways…
I’d never encountered this before but I came across it on The Reef and it sounds like it might be something fun*.
Here’s the infographic. I am told I should share as widely as possible, so this is me sharing.
I’m not in the mood to share anything else at this point so that’s your lot. Now fuck off my lawn.
* Actually it sounds like a commitment I don’t want to make and will have trouble keeping, thanks mental health issues, but aside from that crap it sounds like it could be fun, or might once have been fun for the person I have lost somewhere along the line. Maybe this will be helpful.